Being Gerely

Finding Relevance October 10, 2008

“Boston Legal,” starring William Shatner and James Spader, has become a favorite TV series of mine. The show’s approach to lawyers and the legal profession is much more refreshing and realistic than that of The Practice (“too heavy”) or Ally McBeal (“too comical that it loses its essence”). Boston Legal hews more closely to the 90′s series L.A. Law.

I cannot remember the particular episode, but there was one scene between Denny Crane (William Shatner) and another lawyer wherein the lawyer casually asked Denny, “aren’t we all looking for relevance, Denny?” This dialogue really struck me. How appropriate for lawyers to discuss about relevance when none seems to be forthcoming most of the time.

This is exactly the place where I find myself in these days. Looking for relevance…finding relevance…trying to be relevant.

I have been a practicing lawyer for more than 7 years now. During the first few years of my practice, the legal profession brought a lot of thrills into my life. I was indefatigable. I can stay up for 3 days writing an important appeal or brief to the Supreme Court, drooling over the thought that I can write better arguments than the opposing counsel. How many times have I felt that kind of “high” that substance users must be getting every time they have their dose, whenever I outwit an opponent during presentation of evidence in court. I do not want to attribute anything to age, but maybe there really comes a time in a person’s life when things become monotonous and not anymore as extra-ordinary as it used to be.

One thing that has scared me though these past few months is my constant contemplation of the things I possibly missed because I chose this path. I see my friends who are into fields other than the legal profession, and they appear to be very content and happy with what they have made out of their lives. Am I about to admit that I made a mistake in pursuing law and becoming a lawyer? I don’t want to go that far, but what if that is the truth? What is utterly frustrating, however, is I cannot find an answer to the question, “If I were not a lawyer, what would I be?”

Maybe it is all about finding relevance. I have probably reached that point where I cannot see how my profession is relevant to me, my family, my friends, my colleagues. My relevance to our clients is another issue altogether. There are some clients who are just plain contradictions — coming to me for legal advice but would always have the temerity to eventually say that lawyers complicate matters. Sadly, I cannot seem to find that personal relevance because the lawyer persona has sunken in too deep into the non-lawyer persona. My being a lawyer has suddenly defined how I should conduct myself and the expectations of the public. It would be considered “un-lawyerly” if I started eating fishballs and squidballs on the street, when, in fact, these were my brain food during college and law school; that there would be questions why I am driving an old car when I am supposed to be a lawyer in a law firm with big shot clients; and that court personnel would not recognize me as the lawyer who just appeared in their court the previous day in a suit, if I followed up my case in shirt and jeans, when I do not recall changing my face. Wow…all these angst.

Lest I be misinterpreted though, I am totally grateful for all the blessings and opportunities that God has given me through the years, especially for putting me in a place which others can only dream of. There is, however, that disconcerting thought that relevance has been lost. Yes, I guess it all boils down to finding relevance.