Of Course I Want To Get Married… August 8, 2010
Posted by Gerely in Uncategorized.trackback
When I was in law school, a friend of mine sent me an e-mail containing the essay of a Philosophy student at the Ateneo regarding choosing well for marriage. Unfortunately, the brain cells responsible for remembering the name of that brilliant student had died as I aged, so I am reduced to giving you a gist of his essay (or whatever I can remember of it). Proper acknowledgment though is given to him.
He said, in essence, that the secret to a blissful marriage is in choosing your partner well. And choosing well starts with finding someone with similar values, mindset, and, yes, even intellectual level. He went on to say that a good marriage, after all, still hinges on fundamental compatibility even while you recognize your differences as individuals.
This particular essay came to mind as I watched Kris Aquino’s interview on The Buzz regarding the reasons of her separation from James. I don’t mean to trivialize the thoughts of the Philosophy student from the Ateneo by linking his essay to a showbiz issue, but Kris was just so dead-on in her analysis of the breakdown of her marriage to James, that, for a while there, I actually suspected that she was being coached by the Ateneo Philosophy student. She said that she and James were already miserable in each other’s company because she (or probably both of them) realized that they had nothing much in common. She even said, “iba pa rin ang magka-level kayo,” or something to that effect. Those statements really say a lot. She did not have to elaborate and we were all just dying to say, “we’re not surprised.” Boy Abunda’s interview of Kris mercifully ended without much of the drama we all expected from the drama queen herself.
This brings me now to my point on why people, who decide to remain single for a long period of time (or maybe, forever), should not be judged, labelled, or, worse, ridiculed. I know that there are men in their 40′s or even 50′s who are still single, but society has managed to be more cruel in their scrutiny of women who are still single in their 30′s. There are several reasons for this, but they all boil down to one thing — the lack of understanding of what being “choosy” really means.
Relating to people is never easy and there is no hard and fast rule in maintaining relationships for the long-term. Naturally, we get drawn to those with whom we can find some commonality in hopes of reducing the friction that comes with our individual differences. In romantic relationships, however, raging hormones and strong physical attraction come into the picture that we tend to justify differences and ignore the lack of any common ground. Falling in love (or falling into the hormone trap) simply gets everybody woozy, that we disregard warning signs stemming from obvious incompatibility. Then, for some, they take it to the next level and get married — only to realize that, apart from probably the great sex and the mindless chatter after, there is nothing much they can share with each other. Then, the problems begin. We all know how these things end.
So, ladies and gentlemen, speaking as a 36-year-old single woman, I would like to assure everyone that there is nothing wrong with me and to the countless other women similarly situated. We are happy for what we have and we do not stress out on the things we do not have. If we appear to be choosy, we have every right to be. In fact, it is our responsibility to be choosy because we also want to give the man we will end up with for the long haul the best that we could ever be. If we just settle for what is available, we are not just shortchanging ourselves, but also depriving the men of their right to have someone they can truly be happy with.
The question now is, do I want to get married? Of course, I do, but only to someone I have chosen well and who has also chosen me well. There is no need to rush. There is no law that gives a time limit to getting married. When I do get married, I want to be able to say that my marriage is so good, one lifetime is not enough to enjoy it.
Very good piece, Ge. There was a point in my life when people would speculate why I was not married yet. More often than not, they would say, “Mapili kasi”. The bad thing about it is that they would say this as if it was a bad thing! I am happy that I am “mapili”. Waiting for the right one definitely has its rewards.
Thanks for appreciating this, Em. Cheers to us who know how to wait.
First of all, I’d like to say that I love your style – witty and to the point.
Secondly, I might be dense about it, but I am not aware of society judging or labelling 30ish women who are still single. There may be a few pejorative words here and there, but that’s just about it. Society may have been more judgmental in the past, but in the more recent times, there is a trend of people marrying late. Society not only looks at them more kindly, but people are beginning to accept it as a norm. It is no longer an aberration because it is perfectly normal.
The trouble with Kris is that she does not choose well. As you said, it seems that she is always overwhelmed by the dictates of her loins.
Now, here’s something mean. Have you noticed how she falls for tall, big men?
Thanks so much for your comments, Tito. Society does seem to be kinder to 30ish women who are still single. It’s just that I’ve started shying away from family reunions because all my relatives could do is to make an issue out of my being single. Like it’s a disease!
Re Kris, my analysis is of her is that, apart from being overwhelmed by the dictates of her loins (hahaha! love that!), she really has this deep-seated insecurity about herself that she needs to be wanted, desired, liked, or, if she’s lucky, loved. Her definition of herself is dependent on the attention she gets from people, especially from tall, big men. I pity her in that regard because, if that’s the case, then she can never truly be happy.
Again, many thanks, Tito. See you soon.
BRAVO GE!
though, unlike you, I still brave family reunions and just make sure that i’m prepared and have “rude and in your face” retorts to “kelan ka mag-aasawa” quesions. just the other month my tita asked “kelan ka lalagay sa tahimik”, i answered “bakit, magulo ba buhay ko? tahimik naman ah”. when another one asked “kelan ba kami makaka-higop ng mainit na sabaw, I said “saang restaurant mo ba gusto humigop ng sabaw? halika, ili-libre kita”.
Hahaha. That’s the classy smart Arj I know. Pahiram na lang ng mga witty retorts mo na pambara sa sinumang magtatanong kung ba’t single pa rin ako. Bru, magkita-kita naman tayo. Miss na kita.
Thank you, Gerely! At 51, I am single again and open to the possibility that the next time-it will be the right guy! Kahit maputi na ang buhok ko!